It's not going to be okay, and that's okay

I can remember the precise moment when I realized that it was my job to make sure that everything would be okay.

I was seven years old and in the car with a family member. We were driving down the street (I can visualize EXACTLY where we were) and she told me something that absolutely rocked my seven year old world. That day I learned that grown ups didn’t necessarily know how to handle bad things and if that was the case, I’d better figure out a way to.

From a very young age I became singularly focused on making sure that things were going to be okay.

I was highly attuned to both the kids and the adults in my life. I could read even the slightest body language or off tone of voice. People remarked that I was a good listener and wise beyond my years. I was skilled at conflict resolution with peers, siblings and adult family members. I sensed when situations were tense in almost imperceptible ways and tried everything I could to intervene, de-escalate or distract.

I was doing all of this under the age of ten.

The thing is that when kids seem wise beyond their years it’s most often a reaction to trauma. Children who feel in danger regularly throughout their childhood experience what is called developmental trauma. These children miss out on important development milestones because they are focused on staying safe, instead of on their own personal growth.

I was one of those kids.

The problem with developmental trauma is that it doesn’t disappear when you grow up and are independent. There are triggers, patterns of behavior and emotional reactions that are hard to change. In my case, as an adult, my pattern continued in making sure that everything is okay.

Being Little Miss Fix It has been damaging to my life.

In order to assuage my easily triggered anxiety, I have been constantly on alert. Any sign of conflict or disappointment with me has sent me into “fix it” mode. Most of my adult life has been spent reacting to the fight or flight response that was triggered in these situations. In fact, most of my entire life has been one rush of Adrenalin helping me avoid what my body perceived as imminent threats to my life.

A lifetime of trauma reactions takes a toll.

I have had an ulcer, gallstones, GERD, TMJ, migraines, plantar fasciitis, muscle cramps, irregular menstrual cycles, eating disorders and more. All of these are linked to anxiety, stress and tension. I have suppressed my emotional needs so significantly and from such a young age that my body was damaged. Often many of my health issues were blamed on my weight when that was also just another symptom of a deeper problem.

Turning 40 was the turning point.

When I turned 40, I made a decision that I would not suffer the second half of my life the way I did the first. I decided that the only way I could do that was to stop making everything okay. I realized in a very profound way that making sure others were happy was killing me emotionally and physically. All I wanted was to feel free of the burden of others. I wanted to continue to be kind and compassionate. I still wanted to be a therapist and help others fix their lives. I just needed BOUNDARIES.

I’m 40, I’ll do what I want.

That became my mantra. I repeated it over and over again, mostly because I didn’t believe it. Over the past three years I have come a long way in setting boundaries and letting other people deal with their own “not okay”-ness. I’ve had to sit in feelings that I have been avoiding for a lifetime, feelings of shame, anger and grief. I still have more learn, more pain to feel and then let go but the path ahead isn’t as scary or seemingly impossible as I believed. I’ve found the people who are okay with my boundaries and who don’t expect me to fix anything for them. People who see my value for who I am rather than what I can do for them.

It’s not going to be okay, but that’s okay.

Things don’t have to be okay all the time. People can be mad at me. People can struggle. Life can suck. 2020 has been one shit storm after the next and there isn’t one thing I can do about that. I’m learning that I can’t take away my children’s pain which is hard for me given how I felt as a child. What I can do is be kind, compassionate and caring. I can offer a hug and an understanding ear to anyone who needs it. I can help someone who asks for it. I can volunteer my time and donate money to organizations that stand for the same ideals I subscribe to.

I just can’t make things okay for anyone or anything but myself. And that’s okay too.