When you are done being the perfect doormat, give me a call

Perfectionism has lead me to being the perfect doormat

When you walk around believing that making mistakes, doing things half-assed or disappointing people is basically the worst thing than can happen, you can bet that you are a perfectionist. Perfectionism has it’s upside, it’s true. It can been a motivator to achieving goals and doing things really, really well. The downside, however, is not worth it’s benefits.

Perfectionism has caused me to believe that I need to be all things to all people

I grew up believing that the people in my life needed me to provide stability and support. I learned wonderful listening and problem solving skills that have made me the therapist I am today. But it also caused me to believe that I need to put my own needs aside in order to promote the well being of others, including the adults in my life. I can remember as a young child not telling my parents when I was sad, scared or lonely because I didn’t want to burden them.

When you learn to neglect your basic needs as a child, it can be difficult to recognize the continued patterns into adulthood

Throughout my lifetime I have felt the burden of other’s emotions and needs because I thought that setting a boundary would make me less of a friend, daughter, sister or wife. I had a hard time making a connection between my emotional pain resulting from being perfect in a relationship and the self destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors that affected my functioning. I have experienced significant digestive issues my entire life as I swallowed down my own needs and feelings. I have suffered with teeth grinding as I constantly kept my mouth shut. I have laid in the darkness with overwhelming migraines while I struggled to find a way to calm the storm within my brain.

Although I try to come off as strong, confident and in charge, I have always been a doormat

I couldn’t handle the idea of letting someone down or watching someone be sad as a result of something I said or did, even if saying or doing the thing would make me well. Even when I have tried to set boundaries in the past, I was never good at standing strong as I was challenged by someone who I love dearly. I have given up so many nights attending events I didn’t want to go to and countless hours on the phone listening to others who don’t wait to ask how I am before getting off the phone. The most pain comes from the times I have made myself smaller to help another person glow brighter and the times that I have apologized when I wasn’t wrong because it would create a fuss otherwise.

When I turned 40 I decided that my days of being a door mat were over

I was sick of feeling sick over what others thought of me and of attempting the impossible job of making those around me feel comfortable. I started to say no. I started to use my voice. Slowly but surely, I began to actually believe that I had a right to live my life on MY terms. Relationships around me had to change as a result of a my change. There are those that want to grow with me, that are okay with being uncomfortable so that I can choose myself over them. There are those who have tried desperately in different ways to keep me in my place.

I have fought long and hard and am now an actual full-sized, hard wood door with a brass knocker

If you want to be close to me you must respect my boundaries. I won’t be stepped on anymore. You need to knock on the door and ask permission. It is then that I decide if I want to let you in or not. You don’t have to like me or agree with me. You don’t have to approve of my choices or think I am a good person. I know the truth as do those in my life who truly respect me.

I want you to be a full-sized door as well!

Take it from me, it isn’t your responsibility to fit in, to make yourself smaller or to quiet your voice. Are you a door mat who wants to pick themselves off the ground and transform into a door with clear boundaries? Do you want to unlearn the ways of perfectionism, people pleasing and self deprecation?

It’s YOUR time to shine

Call me, email me or schedule an appointment today to start your journey of empowerment and imperfection.