Hello, my name is Levana Slabodnick. You crossed my boundary, prepare to die!
I really hope you get this reference from the Princess Bride or this title will seem really melodramatic
So apparently the month of November has been deemed NOvember. Normally I am not all in with these manufactured observances but this was one I could really get on board for! What is NOvember mean? It is the month that we honor and celebrate the simple act of saying NO.
I know there are people out there who have no idea why one would need NOvember
And these people are exactly the reason we need it! These people expect that their needs be met, their opinions and unwanted behaviors be tolerated and that it be done with a smile. They don’t comprehend that there is any other way but their way.
And then there are the rest of us
Those of us who find saying no to be a challenge need NOvember. The whole reason we don’t say NO is because we don’t believe that our needs are valid or at least just as valid as someone else’s needs. The idea that someone has given us permission and is encouraging us to say no is VERY validating.
We didn’t get this way by accident
Most people who struggle to say no grew up in an environment where they felt that their needs were not a priority as children. This might have resulted from having too much responsibility at a young age, having adults in their life who were emotionally, physically or sexually abusive or even having a sick sibling who took all of the attention. There are a whole host of reasons why a child learns that their needs are not important.
Boundaries, what boundaries?
The act of saying no is essentially making a statement that a request or an action has crossed an internal line. That’s why it’s called a boundary! It is giving others information about what you will and will not accept in terms of expectations and treatment. Every single person has different boundaries based on their particular needs and life experience. Knowing that your thoughts and feeling are as important as the thoughts and feelings of others leads you to feel entitled to let someone know that you crossed a boundary.
There are so many consequences to NOT setting boundaries
When you say YES instead of NO you are essentially teaching someone what you consider acceptable treatment. You are reinforcing to yourself that you are not worthy of the treatment that you desire. When you say yes over and over again instead of no, you are often left with feelings of anger, hurt and resentment. You may develop emotional and physical symptoms as a result of internalizing so much negativity about yourself and others.
It’s time to speak up
It’s never too late to start setting boundaries. Here are some ways to start saying no, even when it is difficult
Have an honest conversation about the changes in your approach and your commitment to being truthful about what you need in your relationships
Practice various ways of saying NO- no thank you, I don’t want to, nope, no, not today, thanks for asking but no, my answer is no
Follow through! If you say no or request that someone stop crossing a boundary, let them know what you need to do as a result. This is not an ultimatum. You are clear about how you will proceed based on the information that they are not willing to respect your wishes
Be consistent. As difficult as it is to repeat the dreaded word NO over and over again, you must do so in order for it to become clear that you will no longer be saying yes or allowing others to cross your boundary.
You only get ONE life
That’s it. One chance to enjoy and feel satisfied with the life you are given. Ask yourself if you are willing to give up parts of your life to make others happy or is it worth it to you to start living authentically.