The Science and Chaos of Emotional Dysregulation
You know the feeling. Yesterday I sat down to book a family vacation. I had my business calendar open on one screen and the summer camp registration portals for my kids on the other. I needed to cross reference dates for camp sessions with flight availability while simultaneously fielding a variety of client emails.
Then the house got loud. My own sensory sensitivities started pinging. My executive function decided to take a permanent vacation of its own. My brain felt like a computer running too many heavy applications at once. Suddenly I was not a therapist or a parent. I was just a person staring at a screen with a tightness in my chest and an overwhelming urge to close every single tab and hide in a quiet corner.
This is emotional dysregulation. It is not a failure of character or a lack of planning. It is a physiological reality.
Why Neurodivergent Brains Are Prone to Dysregulation
For those of us who are Autistic/ADHD, the nervous system often operates like a high-performance engine with very sensitive brakes. We process sensory input more intensely. We manage higher cognitive loads just to navigate daily life. We are often experts at masking our struggles until we hit a breaking point.
When we are balancing the needs of our own neurodivergent kids, the complexities of running a business, and the general logistics of living, we are essentially trying to manage multiple high demand operating systems simultaneously. If one variable changes, like a camp deadline moving or a client needing a reschedule, the entire system can glitch. This leads to the fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. It is a trauma response to an environment that is currently asking more than our nervous system can handle in that exact moment.
Strategies to Manage the Overwhelm
Managing this requires moving away from the idea that we can just force ourselves to be more productive. Instead we need to focus on nervous system regulation.
1. Lower the Baseline Noise
When you feel the dysregulation rising, your first task is to reduce sensory input. Put on noise cancelling headphones. Turn down the lights. Change your physical environment. You cannot think your way out of a nervous system that is currently firing alarm bells. You have to soothe the body first.
2. Externalize the Mental Load
Our brains are not designed to hold all the data for flight times, business deadlines, and camp schedules simultaneously. If you are trying to keep it all in your head, you are setting yourself up for a crash. Use analog tools or simple apps to offload the information. When you see it on paper, it often feels more manageable than the chaotic loop it plays in your mind.
3. Practice Radical Self Compassion
We often demand accommodations for our children that we refuse to give ourselves. If your child needed a sensory break during a transition, you would advocate for it. Why is it different for you? Give yourself permission to pause the task. The vacation will get planned. The business will continue. Your nervous system is the priority asset here.
4. Lean Into Co-regulation
If you are parenting other neurodivergent humans, you likely spend a lot of time helping them regulate their big emotions. Sometimes the best way to do this is together. Instead of trying to fix the logistics while everyone is dysregulated, take a collective break. Do a parallel activity that is soothing for everyone. When the collective nervous system settles, the task becomes significantly easier to tackle.
Emotional dysregulation is not a sign that you are doing it wrong. It is a sign that you are doing a lot, and your brain is asking for a little bit of help. Be kind to yourself today. You are doing important work.