The last really hard boundary I had to set was with my husband of 20 years. He was giving me the details of his annual Christmas work party and I started to sweat. For the past few years, attending this party had become more and more challenging. As I’ve grown to understand my sensory and social realities, I’ve also come to experience them with increased intensity.
Spending three hours fully masked felt torturous, I could already feel the impact of the fake smile and constant, desperate mining for small talk available in my neurodivergent brain. Because my husband works in sales, he and his coworkers are excellent at small talk and keeping a conversation going. Not to mention they could always talk shop.
Me, on the other hand…
So, I told him with trepidation that I just couldn’t attend the party. Although he was disappointed, he understood and accepted that I wouldn’t be joining him. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Why was this so hard?
Why Boundaries are Harder for ADHD and Autistic Brains
There are functional reasons why boundary setting is more stressful and inaccessible for neurodivergents.
Masking and People Pleasing have been survival skills, usually since childhood. Growing up in a neurotypical world, children learn to prioritize the feelings and comfort of others to feel safe or fit in. In adulthood, we learn that continuing to mask our needs is more likely to lead to success relationally, socially and at work.
Interoception Challenges can make identifying our boundaries in the moment quite difficult. Many ADHD and Autistic people don’t realize that they are hungry, tired overstimulated or overwhelmed until they are already in sensory overload or burnout. It’s hard to set a boundary when you don’t notice the line was crossed until afterward.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): The fear of conflict, anger, or disappointment from others can trigger an acute nervous system freeze or fawn response that prevents a boundary from being set.
Executive Function Drain: Formulating polite, socially acceptable scripts on the spot requires massive working memory and cognitive effort. Saying no can feel inaccessible when it is necessary to do so in the moment.
4 Low-Demand Strategies for Setting Boundaries
Have a Delay Script: Remove the pressure to answer immediately. Have ready to go responses that you can tell others when you aren’t able to say no. You can say, “Let me check my calendar and let you know tomorrow” or “I’ve got a lot going on in my head right now. Can I get back to you later when I’ve had a chance to think about it?”.
Written and Non-Verbal Boundaries: ADHD and Autistic people are often challenged to verbally communicate when they are stressed or the topic is emotionally loaded. If someone has crossed a boundary or you need to say no, give yourself permission to write them a text, email or physical letter to express your needs instead.
Build Awareness Through Body Clues: Look for somatic signals of boundary overload (clenched jaw, stomach knots, sudden irritability, dissociation) rather than waiting for a logical thought process. When you notice that your body is activated, trust those signals even if they don’t make logical sense at the time.
Pre-decided Escape Plans: Establishing a planned exit time or code word before entering high-demand social or family situations can reduce the emotional strain on setting the boundary. Having a plan takes away the executive function demand to set the boundary in the moment.
Boundaries Exist to Strengthen Relationships
While on the surface it might seem counterintuitive, boundaries actually improve our relationships. When we feel safe enough to say no or ask for an accommodation, we are showing up authentically.
Saying no to the Christmas party might have been hard, but I felt safe doing so because I trust that my boundaries will be respected. And each time my boundaries are respected, I can cope better with disappointing those I love because I know that doesn’t pose a threat to our relationship.
What are your challenges in setting boundaries?
If you are interested in working with me on setting boundaries, schedule a free consultation to see how I can help!